I'm not perfect

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​Starting on any journey is scary as heck, but when I decided to put myself out there for all to see, I was downright terrified. When I decided to publish my work, so much self-doubt crept in, and the internal bombardment of questions blasted me at every turn. Could I write something that others would read? Do I look like the kind of person people would want to follow? Am I that interesting? What can I even offer to anyone?​

We all know deep down that we are who we are, and that needs to be okay with us. Most of us, myself included, also wish to be more and are silently disappointed that we aren’t. It’s like these two thoughts are locked into an eternal battle, and neither of them is willing to give in, so they sit next to each other, taking turns controlling our emotions, thoughts, words, and behavior.
 
After deciding to take a stand, I started listening to a lot of Brene Brown. I’m a huge fan of Brene now, and if you haven’t listened to her, you should, regardless of your life situation. 
 
Anyway, I’ve taken many steps to help myself learn to work with these fears, and I encourage you to do the same. I’m far from fearless, but I want to share some of my worries and what I’m doing about it. I’m hoping that this will help me release my insecurities even more and move forward with confidence, humility, and peace in my heart. I’m also hoping that what I say below will give other writers that feel the same way, the green light to move forward and not let negative thoughts stop you from reaching your goals and dreams.
 
So here we go.
 
I wish I could say that my words just flowed onto a page like a beautiful, whimsical dance that made people stop and pay attention. I wish my vocabulary was a well that replenished itself daily, and grammar was second nature. I wish I was in the realm of my goal weight and had at least one good side without lots of preparation. I wish I had a good social media sense when photographing things. I wish I didn’t stumble over my words when talking in social settings. 
 
The truth is, my words come out chunky monkey style with a bit of goodness here and there, and the bulk of was some mediocre filler. The synonym function in word is my best friend, and there are times autocorrect has no idea what I‘m saying. Every time I post a blog, I pray that there aren’t ginormous mistakes for all to see. 
 
I’ve had several people ask me, “how can you be a writer when you’re so horrible at spelling?” Talk about a blow to the ego, especially to someone who loves writing. That statement kept me awake many nights, and it made me think of all the other things I wasn’t great at. Ultimately, I wasted a lot of time fretting and feeling less than worthy, like I didn’t deserve to be a writer. It derailed my dreams from time to time and made it, so I was too self-conscious to venture out.
 
I am learning to embrace my imperfection, though, because seriously, no one is perfect. No writer is. No human being is. If I can’t edit my own story, oh well, I’ll get some help with it. Not having a great sense of grammar doesn’t mean I don’t have a damn good story. This was the attitude I had when I hired an editor for my book. That courage led me to my publicist, and I’m one step closer to my dream of being a full-time author.
 
My weight has always bothered me, and I decided to become a healthy eater because that is something I can control. I’ll keep you updated on the healthy eating path on social media. The rest of me, though, is something I am slowly learning to love and be happy with. I will get there, I know it. 
 
The social media part, I guess we will see. I’m just starting to take it seriously, so who knows. It could be a beautiful portrayal of my life, or it could scream, “someone, please put me out of my misery!” Instead of shying away from it, I am having fun trying to figure it all out. I foresee a photography lesson in my future, which would be perfect because I enjoy taking pictures, and it helps my creativity. I know I’ll get better with time. Stick around, you will see. 
 
Everyone should follow their dreams, regardless of what the hecklers say. Brene Brown speaks to this, and many YouTube videos ago, I remember her saying, “If you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” Those are words to live by my friends.
 
What is a fear you want to share, and how are you working with it?
 
Happy Writing!
 
Dusty Durston